PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT · EST. ABSOLUTELY NOT

Serious about nothing.
Especially poop.

Welcome to the Bureau of Bowel Affairs—an entirely fictional institution dedicated to making something out of absolutely nothing, then flushing it. The expansion committee has now lost count of its own departments. The goose is acting chair.

OPEN AN INVESTIGATION Tour the catastrophic expansion

No credentials. No cookies. No dignity required.

ILLUSTRATION NOT TO SCALE.
NEITHER IS OUR AMBITION.

0qualified experts

∞unnecessary opinions

100%questionable authority

🇨🇦polite international vibes

DEPARTMENT 01 / OPERATIONS

How may we inconvenience you today?

Three revolutionary tools. Zero practical applications. Absolutely no information submitted to a server.

FORM 001—F

The Flush-O-Matic™

Finally, a button with precisely the influence you deserve.

The bowl is calm. Suspiciously calm.

LOCAL SESSION FLUSHES: 0

FORM 404—P

Official Nonsense Report

Receive a professionally worded assessment of absolutely nothing.

Select the level of concern

ASSESSMENT PENDING. Bureaucracy is a process.

FORM 007—OH

The Porcelain Oracle

Pose a question silently. Receive wisdom you absolutely shouldn't follow.

The throne awaits your most questionable decisions.

THE
DAILY
DUMP.INDEPENDENT NON-JOURNALISM SINCE RIGHT NOW

DEVELOPING STORY / FACTS OPTIONAL

“Local toilet reportedly overwhelmed by its own responsibilities.”

Officials are urging the public to remain seated.

BUREAU EXPANSION / ZERO PUBLIC FUNDING

Our empire of completely unnecessary departments.

Against the advice of legal, science, and one very concerned goose, the Bureau has tripled its operations. Click the department seals to investigate.

🪿 04 · GOOSE RELATIONS 🧻 05 · TOILET PAPER RESERVE 🎙️ 06 · THE UNSAID SUMMIT 💨 07 · NATIONAL FARTCAST 🔎 08 · PLOP FORENSICS 🗳️ 09 · THE GREAT FLUSH VOTE

DEPARTMENT 04 · CANADIAN-ADJACENT AFFAIRS

Department of Goose Relations.

Peace was never an option. Paperwork, apparently, was.

HONK
ADVISORY
LEVEL: EH?

SUBJECT G-001 / UNDER OBSERVATION

0documented incidents
this page visit

“Honk.” — Official statement

G.R.I.T. SYSTEMGOOSE RELATIONS INCIDENT TERMINAL

File a formal complaint.

Has a goose wronged you? We offer neither legal advice nor protection from the goose.

Nature of the alleged goose behavior

CASE STATUS: We believe the goose. This is provisional.

Simulated cases only. No complaint is transmitted or saved.

DEPARTMENT 05 · STRATEGIC ABSORBENCY

National Emergency Toilet Paper Reserve.

Prepared for a crisis we have invented for this website.

TOP
SECRET
PLY

NATIONAL INVENTORY · IMAGINARY ROLLS

ROLLS REMAININGfictional warehouse, undisclosed location

ABSORBENCY READINESS 42 of 42

STABLE. The nation may remain seated.

FORM TP-42EMERGENCY RATIONING DESK

Requisition a ration.

Our official stockpile is imaginary, but our commitment to unnecessarily complicated procedures is quite real.

Requested imaginary rolls: 3

1 / responsible adult12 / alarming confidence

NO RATION ISSUED. Citizens remain bravely hypothetical.

No purchases, requests, or shipments. All numbers reset upon reload.

DEPARTMENT 06 · INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMATIC REGRETS

International Summit on Things That Should Have Stayed Unsaid.

World leaders weren't invited. Someone replied all anyway.

UN
SAY
IT

AN EMERGENCY CONFERENCE IN PROGRESS

WORLD PEACE STATUSAWKWARD BUT STABLE

MINUTES #000EMERGENCY BACKPEDAL PROTOCOL

Convene the summit.

Select an international incident of saying the quiet part out loud. The Bureau will issue a meaningless resolution.

The thing that should not have been said Representing

RESOLUTION PENDING. The delegates are avoiding eye contact.

No actual diplomatic incidents were resolved in the making of this feature.

DEPARTMENT 07 · ATMOSPHERIC NONSENSE

National Fart Weather Service.

Today's forecast: partly cloudy with a 100% chance somebody blames the dog.

HIGH
PRESSURE
EH?

THE FARTCAST · NOT REAL METEOROLOGY

ATMOSPHERIC DRAMA INDEX0 / 10

Accuracy: scientifically indistinguishable from guessing.

F.A.R.T. STATIONFORECASTING AIRBORNE RIDICULOUS TURBULENCE

Issue an odor advisory.

Submit imaginary conditions. Absolutely no actual weather, sensor, or bodily data is gathered.

Possible atmospheric source Prevailing fictional wind

FORECAST PENDING. The dog has already hired a lawyer.

Fictional forecast only. Never use this for safety or health decisions.

DEPARTMENT 08 · CRIMES AGAINST QUIET

Bureau of Suspicious Plops.

Every unexplained sound deserves a preposterously expensive investigation.

CASE
STILL
OPEN

RESTRICTED ACCESS · NOTHING TO SEE HERE

CHAIN OF CUSTODYVERY LOOSELY DEFINED

All evidence is invented. No recordings, microphone access, or uploads.

P.L.O.P. LABPREPOSTEROUS LABORATORY OF ODD PHENOMENA

Classify a suspicious sound.

Our analysts have never been certified by anyone. This has not slowed their promotions.

Acoustic evidence (hypothetical) Scene of the alleged incident

CASE UNASSIGNED. Investigators are inspecting the biscuits.

CASES OPENED THIS VISIT: 0

No actual events or evidence submitted. The case disappears on reload.

DEPARTMENT 09 · COMPLETELY UNOFFICIAL DEMOCRACY

The Great Flush Referendum.

The people have demanded to be heard. Management has reluctantly provided two buttons.

YOUR
VOTE
MEH.

LIVE RESULTS · THIS TAB ONLY

YES 0NO 0

Ballot totals reset with a refresh. One person can vote repeatedly; this is not a poll.

FORM VOTE-404OFFICE OF THE DEEPLY UNBINDING

Cast your ceremonial ballot.

Should the Bureau flush the internet? Note: it cannot. Also, this isn't a real election.

POLLS ARE OPEN. Literally nothing is at stake.

No server. No IP tracking by site code. No persistent votes, voter profiles, or civic significance. Hosting logs may exist.

DEPARTMENT 02 / PAPERWORK

Your paperwork is our pleasure.

Now issuing completely worthless certificates you can copy, print, or dramatically frame.

APPROVED FOR NO REASON

Choose your prestigious achievement:

No names requested. No forms filed. No record retained.

THE ENTIRELY IMAGINARY

BUREAU OF BOWEL AFFAIRS

HEREBY CONFERS UPON THE BEARER

Outstanding Achievement
in Existing

For showing up, doing the bare minimum, and making it look suspiciously official.

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELYDATE OF UNNECESSARY ISSUE✍ The Acting NobodyDIRECTOR OF IMAGINARY PAPERWORK

FILE NO. FYI-000-NOPE

A PUBLIC STATEMENT FROM MANAGEMENT

“We believe every great idea starts with a question. Ours was: why not?”

And then, against the advice of absolutely everyone, we made a whole website about it.

DEPARTMENT 03 / DISCLOSURES

Important disclaimers.
(Unfortunately.)

Is this an official agency?

Not even a little. This is a joke website, not a government department, health service, or actual investigative bureau. Our primary qualification is a domain name.

What happens when I press things?

A tiny bit of JavaScript generates nonsense right here in your browser. There are no accounts, submissions, cookies, analytics scripts, external fonts, or intentionally retained session data. The goose files, imaginary rations, and summit records disappear when you reload. Your hosting provider may still process ordinary web requests and server logs.

What about mypoop.info?

The long-standing mypoop.info inspired this playful companion. This website is a separate, unofficial experiment, not a representation of ownership of that domain. Our Canadian friend Steffan shared the official contact address shown below; all imaginary departments remain imaginary.

Should I take any of this seriously?

Only the privacy and accessibility effort. Everything else has been thoroughly rejected by the Committee for Seriousness. Nothing here is medical advice.

OFFICE 10 · THE ACTUAL MAILROOM

Got feedback? Send a turd of wisdom.

The only real contact in this entire imaginary agency, provided by Steffan 🇨🇦. No messages are collected by this website. Your email app handles anything you choose to send.

DIRECT LINE TO THE THRONE ROOM me@mypoop.info

Clicking the email address opens your email application. Nothing is automatically sent.

Serious about nothing.Especially poop.